Sunday, April 6, 2014

Update at 11 days.

So it is getting easier. I never thought that it would get easier until I was out and moved on, but it's getting better. I am getting more and more excited about living on my own. I bought a new girly bed set for myself and made a wish list at Ikea of things I want for the new place. 

Still no fighting and there are periods of sadness, but not all day sadness. It's been tough getting adjusted, things like calling him babe, and asking personal questions is awkward because I am used to doing those things but we aren't together anymore, so I need to stop myself sometimes. The kiss good bye is hard because he kisses the kids good bye and then just tells me bye and leaves. It hurts. 

We met with a realestate agent tonight to talk about putting the house for sale. We are thinking by the end of the month. I thought that it would be hard, but it wasn't. It's ok. We would have sold the house anyway, it's too much house for us. 

So that's the update. I have an interview tomorrow, hopefully it get it and that's one thing off my list of things to do. 

Monday, March 31, 2014

Oh What A Roller Coaster I Am On

So I have been officially single for 5 days now. We are not fighting. Just sad that it's over. Still living in the same house, I just moved out of our room.  We will stay like this until we sell the house. We still haven't decided on our living arrangements yet. Who will live where, who gets what. It's a long painful process. What do I do with all the memories stuff? Keep it for the kids? Where do I put it? 

One minute I am excited for the change. I have never lived on my own. Scared, because I have never lived on my own. Excited to find out who I am, with out being with someone else. Sad that I won't share these moments with him. Angry that this isn't how my life was supposed to go. This wasn't how I pictured it at all. Angry and upset that this may effect my parents as well because they live in my other  house. 

I am depressed. Just going through the motions of life. And sometimes I can't even go through the motions. I can't even make dinner. I can't clean the kitchen. I know that there is laundry to be done but I just stare at it, like I'm stuck. Like my body just won't do it. One minute I am fine, then the next I'm thinking of when our son was born and how happy we were. And that I'll never have a moment like that with him again. 

This roller coaster isn't coming to an end anytime soon. Every time we finalize something or decide who gets something, it will be hard. 

Friday, March 28, 2014

How Life Changes

Well I don't know how many people are still reading this blog, I haven't wrote a post in a really long time. This blog is about to have a big turn around. You see, this blog is about my life, and up until now that was me, my boyfriend of 11 years and my 2 kids. Well soon it's just going to be me and my 2 kids. 

Yes, we are separating. Wow, seeing it in print isn't easy. This blog will now be about our unique way of making things work for us. 

There is no fighting, there is no war in our house. While I would like to keep trying you can only try for so long and we agreed that it's better to separate now while the kids are little.  We both want to remain very close to the kids and we plan on making that happen. 

We own 2 houses and will be selling one. From there we have options. They are fair and we won't need a lawyer. We want to do this without messiness. 

So I will keep you posted. Let me know who is out there and still reading this. I hope to help someone else going through something similar, that's why I am sharing this with you. 

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Juggling Life

I always think of life as juggling. Things you have to do, places you have to go, goals, work. Everything up in the air and you have to juggle them evenly to have a balanced life. You know where the next ball is going to fall so you can throw it back up again. Mostly it's predictable. You know where things are going to be and where they are going to go. You know where to put the next ball. 

We'll my balls are all over the place right now. Some are in the air, some are on the floor, some are in a pocket somewhere. 

You see the next year of my life us unpredictable, it's unplanned, it's all up in the air- and all over the place. We have options and ideas. We know that we are not happy the way life is right now. Neither Hubby or I are happy with our jobs and are looking for a solution. Also we have realized that our house is too big. - I know right, how many people think their house is too big. We'll he have a formal dining room that we never use and a guest room with a bathroom that is never used. It's just space to heat and clean and is costing us money. I like our house, but I don't love it. 

So in the next year my Hubby is planning on writing the test to be a RCMP, and the test to be an OPP, he's not sure what option he likes best right now and wants to leave the doors open. Now I have been looking into going back to school, but if he gets into the RCMP we will be moving- far. If he gets into the OPP we will be moving, but not quite as far. So either way I can't start school or really change jobs, until I know where we will be living for the next year. 

Also if he doesn't get into either, we have discussed selling our house and getting a smaller house with a basement apartment to help with the mortgage. So I looks like either way in the next year we will be moving. 

Everything is all over the place, and even writing it all down, sounds confusing.   Really we have to wait and see what is going to happen with these tests. 

I don't even know what I am wishing for, except for it all to be over. 

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Not That Innocent

My "go to" phrase lately has been, "Lium what did you do to her?" Or " why is she crying?" Having a 3 1/2 yr old boy and a 1 1/2 yr old girl has it challenges, and one of them is roughness and another one is annoying each other. 

Now these phrases have been used because I know my son, he is rough and hyper and intense and when he gets mad he hits, not real hard, but hard enough to be a hit. I also know that my daughter will bug him any chance she gets. You can see how the two would clash. So I can't always be right there. I can't always see what is going on, but I say these things to stop whatever is making baby girl scream and to make sure my son knows I know what is going on. But do I know what is going on? 

The truth is no, and I am very guilty of blaming my poor little guy. Just because his sister is screaming doesn't mean he did anything. I found this out by watching them play when they didn't know I was looking. In 5 minutes I saw my sweet little daughter knock down her brothers tower and scream and he didn't do anything! Now normally I would have called from another room and blamed him for making her scream. Poor guy. I made sure to give him extra love and cuddles that day. I feel terrible. No wonder siblings hate each other. I have been spending more time watching them play and helping them work things out. I want them to get along and love each other. Not resent each other for my actions. 

Saturday, January 25, 2014

First Experience With Kindergarten Moms

I run a home daycare and I have to take so e of the kids to school every day. My son doesn't go to school yet so this was my first experience dropping off and picking kids up from school. 

The whole experience has me so confused. You see I moved to the town almost 2 years ago, but I still don't know many people. So from the first day of school I was super nice to anyone we would meet on the way to school and while waiting at the school. I said good morning to whoever would look my way. Strike up small talk conversations about the kids, weather, daycare, anything really. Just trying to make a friend or at least someone to talk to while we stand there twice a day for 5 days a week for the next 10 months. 

Now some moms do the small talk, but nothing more. I usually start the conversation. Some moms seem to be friends with me and will talk to me for a few weeks and then it's like they avoid me. What am I doing wrong? Some of these moms knew each other from last year and are very cliquey. There is one mom that for no reason doesn't like me. I can tell this because she gives me dirty looks and when I talk to moms that she is friends with she stares me down. This is just mind boggling! I thought I was done with high school. There are so many politics. Who is friends with who? Is she mad because I didn't say good morning? Did another mom say something about me? Is it because I didn't wear makeup yesterday and looked like hell? 

Ghaaaa! I don't know! This post is all over the place. My mind is just so confused. My plan is to just be overly nice to them all and keep the chit chat light. Stop trying to make friends, if they are interested then they will come to me. Damn I feel like I'm dating. 

Friday, January 17, 2014

Hmmmmm......... Are You Drunk?

So my daughter got this awesome shopping cart for Christmas from my mom. It operates as a shopping cart and comes with food and dishes. Then it opens up to be a kitchen. It has different learning activities, such as, pretend play, learning fun and music time. 

So, as I was making breakfast this morning I was listening to them play and the cart kept asking them to turn the clock to 3 o'clock. Well of course they were just spinning the numbers and every time they would get it wrong, the cart would say "hmmmmm......." And by the tone it was using I couldn't help but think that it's next word should be "are you drunk?" 

I giggled to myself every time I heard the "hmmmmm......."  Do you have any toys that say funny things? Or that just annoy you?